


May 17th, 2001

by DanieXJ



Category: ER
Genre: F/F, Groundhog Day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-03-11
Updated: 2008-03-11
Packaged: 2017-11-20 08:04:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/583108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DanieXJ/pseuds/DanieXJ
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Takes place during the finale of the Seventh Season of ER, 'Rampage'. Don't want to spoil it much, but, when something doesn't go right, sometimes in fiction your character can try, try again, and again, and again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I have to tell you, transcribing the scenes gave me a freakin' headache... (I had done it once before, but couldn't find those when I needed them this time, ah well...)

Kim was helping the woman who wanted a smoke. Kerry resisted the urge to tell the woman that she should stop smoking and followed Kim to the desk, somehow getting there before her and looking up.

"Kerry, I've got a hypertensive social worker, probably just stress, but you should check it out." Kim barely looked at Kerry, she could already predict what the red head was going to say, it was written all over Kerry's face.

"Okay, thanks."

Kim started to walk off, but didn't quite make it. Kerry was studying the chart much more intensely than she should have been. Kim pinned the ER Chief's head with her best 'don't screw with me' look and bit the bullet. "I read your letter."

This got Kerry to glance up, "Good, I was wondering."

Frank spoke from behind Kerry, "Doctor Legaspi, Doctor Romano line three for you."

Kerry could almost see Kim's mind preparing the brush off for her as the blonde psychiatrist spoke to Frank, "Tell him I'll call him back." Kim looked back down, but couldn't quite meet Kerry's eyes, "Anyway, I read your letter, I appreciate the sentiment..."

Kerry seemed to choke on the word, she could even tell you the definition: A thought, view, or attitude, especially one based mainly on emotion instead of reason, "Sentiment."

Frank spoke above Kerry's voice, "He says for you to get your ass on the line now he needs to talk to you about a transfer."

Kerry turned to her side, "Frank, she's busy, he should be too, we could have as many as eight GSW's going up."

Chuny spoke up, "Nine, carjack victim."

"Okay, we're swamped with this, tell them to divert to Mercy."

"Mercy said no ETA's under ten."

Kerry's jaw worked, "Why do they bother calling?" She was being pissed at Mercy, at Frank, at Chuny so that she wouldn't be pissed at Kim and herself. She knew this, Kim knew this, the guy waiting in curtain four probably knew it too, but she couldn't stop.

She took a breath and calmed her breathing as Kim spoke again, "Um, anyway, thank you, um, but I don't think that anything's..." Kim seemed to take a resigned breath, "...changed."

The moment seemed to stretch for Kerry. The words were like a knife cut to her soul, Kim was dumping her, again, sort of. It hurt, she had poured her feelings into that letter and, sentiment, nothing's changed. "Right, okay." She swallowed, an uncomfortable smile on her face.

Kim took a step back from the desk, "Okay, I should get back."

"Yeah..." She stood there a moment and tried to think what she could have said better, what could have changed Kim's mind, there had to be something, anything she could have said.

oOOOOo

Kerry crutched her way to the admit desk giving Mark an update. Kim was there, as was Romano.

"Psych nurses aren't trained to handle ostomy care."

Romano wasn't really even paying attention to Kim, "Doesn't need ostomy care, he can change his own damn bag." 

Kerry walked by them, putting down her chart and walking over to the window to an exam room, "Robert we need you, two more GSWs rollin' up."

"In a minute." 

Mark was gettin' out of there, and taking Abby with him. "Abby, let's go outside."

He finally looked over at Kim, "And when I call you, you get on the damn phone."

The shit was about to hit the fan, "She was helping with a mass casualty, we needed her down here." Kerry returned to the admit desk, as if her being closer would help the situation.

By then both Romano and Kim were staring at her with almost identical looks on their faces, as if she was the evil incarnate. She could practically see the scrolling text in Kim's brain, 'Shut up Kerry, shut up Kerry, shut up Kerry. I can handle it'. 

"I needed to clear recovery for the barrage of gunshot wounds you keep accepting."

Kim jumped back in, "I'm not taking responsibility for post op complications in the Psych ward."

Romano was coming to his finale, or perhaps Kim's finale. "Oh really, okay, well then we'll have to find somebody who's interested in responsibility."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

Romano logged off the computer, "I'll tell DeRaad he can finish your shift."

"What?"

"Nice knowing ya." Kim stood there stunned. Kerry couldn't look at her and ducked into a trauma room. There were trauma's coming in after all.

oOOOOo

Kerry knocked on the Psychiatric Ward door once. Kim looked up and then back down. Kerry knocked again. It beeped and was buzzed open. Kim met Kerry and guided her into a room near the door, closing it behind them. "I'm surprised my code still works."

They were standing an arm length's apart. Both Kerry had the same thought, that maybe that had really been how their entire relationship had been, but they had been so caught up in the newness, the fun of it, that they hadn't noticed. "It's not going to happen Kim."

"What isn't." Kim wasn't in the mood, she had been fired, it was time for a strong drink and a long soak, not another re-hashing of a relationship she had thought over weeks ago.

"They, they can't let you go, not legally." Kim crossed her arms over her chest, she longed for a chart or her ever present clipboard, at least with the clipboard it didn't look as though she was being defensive when she crossed her arms over her chest.

"No, they always intended to fire me. They would have done it sooner if they could have, but they needed to build up a nice thick human resource file first."

Kerry stepped on the end of Kim's sentence, she had to get out what she wanted to say before she lost her nerve or Kim kicked her out of the Psych ward. "Which is completely bogus, they'll never get away with it."

Kim was done with Kerry, she placed the red head who had stolen her heart in a place that she didn't have many people. She had decided after the admit desk encounter that morning that she would approach Kerry as a colleague, one that she didn't like much at that moment, she tilted her head to one side, "They already have."

Kerry shook her head, "Only if you let them."

Kim pinned Kerry with a look, the woman wasn't getting it. "It's not worth the effort, I'm really not interested in working for a place that doesn't want me here."

Kerry's head was still shaking from side to side, "No, you have the right to due process. W-w-we can find a civil rights attorney."

It was Kim's turn to jump on the end of Kerry's sentence, "We?" Her eyebrows were sky high, a look of disbelief was splashed on her face.

Kerry seemed to recoil at Kim simply saying that one word. She took a moment, shifting from foot to foot, "It's not right Kim, you know why they're firing you. You have to fight it, you have to fight this."

"I'm supposed to fight, you're hiding, but I'm supposed to fight. Well, I'm sorry, but I don't want to fight. I just want to move on, so should you." Kerry stood there as Kim left. She had lost, she knew it in her brain, her heart, her soul. She had been an idiot and a coward, and lost the best thing that had ever happened to her.

oOOOOo

Kerry was confronted with the Men's room door. She shook her head and powered through it. She may not be able to win Kim's heart, but she was sure as hell going to try to get the blonde her job back.

"If she goes, I go."

Romano looked surprised-ly at Kerry, either because she was a woman in his men's room, or because he didn't believe that Kerry would put herself out like that for anyone. "What?"

"You heard me." She was done playing games.

Romano turned back to the sink, "Are you giving me an ultimatum Kerry."

Their words overlapped as each tried to make themselves heard above the other, "I swear to God Robert I will walk out that door if you don't back off..."

"Because I don't respond well to ultimatums." Robert had won the screaming match, "You had better choose your battles very carefully. You're the Chief of Emergency Medicine not the County's lesbian advocate."

Kerry took hold of the situation as Romano turned back to the sink again, "That's where you're wrong Robert because I am both, I am the Chief of Emergency Medicine and I am a lesbian." She was butter, she was on a roll, "And if you pursue this matter any furthur I will take it to the county board of supervisors, the ACLU, the press, and anyone else who will listen. So I suggest you choose your battles very carefully."

Romano was stunned, Kerry could see it in his eyes, they were like little pin pricks of black, pin pricks of evil. She took her leave, moving out of the men's room and towards the elevator. It wasn't until the she got on the elevator and pressed the button for the ER that she realized just what she had done. She felt faint and reached for the wall, and as the doors closed she put her hand over her mouth. She was pretty sure that she had just outed herself to the entire hospital. Romano wasn't exactly the secret keeping type, especially since she had basically quit. "Oh God."


	2. Chapter 2

"Frank, what's today's date."

"May 17th, same as it's been all morning. Only happens once a year."

Kerry frowned, "Ah, right, I... I need something upstairs, if you need me, page me."

Kim appeared at the desk. "Kerry..."

"Not now Kim..."

"Kerry, I've got a hypertensive social worker, probably just stress, but you should check it out." Kim barely looked at Kerry, she could already predict what the red head was going to say, it was written all over Kerry's face.

"Okay, thanks."

Kim started to walk off, but didn't quite make it. Kerry was studying the chart much more intensely than she should have been. Kim pinned the ER Chief's head with her best 'don't screw with me' look and bit the bullet. "I read your letter."

This got Kerry to glance up, "Good, I was wondering."

Frank spoke from behind Kerry, "Doctor Legaspi, Doctor Romano line three for you."

Kerry could almost see Kim's mind preparing the brush off for her as the blonde psychiatrist spoke to Frank, "Tell him I'll call him back." Kim looked back down, but couldn't quite meet Kerry's eyes, "Anyway, I read your letter, I appreciate the sentiment..."

Kerry seemed to choke on the word, she could even tell you the definition: A thought, view, or attitude, especially one based mainly on emotion instead of reason, "Sentiment."

It was like a bad dream, it was happening again. She moved her crutch and pushed down on her foot as hard as she could, but managed not to yelp in pain. She wasn't dreaming.

Frank spoke above Kerry's voice, "He says for you to get your ass on the line now he needs to talk to you about a transfer."

Kerry turned to her side, "Frank, she's busy, he should be too, we could have as many as eight GSW's going up."

Chuny spoke up, "Nine, carjack victim."

"Okay, we're swamped with this, tell them to divert to Mercy."

"Mercy said no ETA's under ten."

Kerry's jaw worked, "Why do they bother calling?" She was being pissed at Mercy, at Frank, at Chuny so that she wouldn't be pissed at Kim and herself. She knew this, Kim knew this, the guy waiting in curtain four probably knew it too, but she couldn't stop.

She took a breath and calmed her breathing as Kim spoke again, "Um, anyway, thank you, um, but I don't think that anything's..." Kim seemed to take a resigned breath, "...changed."

The moment seemed to stretch for Kerry. The words were like a knife cut to her soul, Kim was dumping her, again, sort of. It hurt, she had poured her feelings into that letter and, sentiment, nothing's changed. "Right, okay." She swallowed, an uncomfortable smile on her face. It happened again, and she hadn't been able to come up with anything new. What was going on, why the hell was it today, again.

Kim took a step back from the desk, "Okay, I should get back."

"Yeah..." She stood there a moment, and then closed her eyes. "Hell... I don't want to be Bill Murray." She watched everything unfold as it had before. She wasn't going to do it again though. No, she'd... go up, do something, anything... she couldn't go through the heartbreak again.

"Doctor Weaver..."

Kerry turned and put a hand in front of her, "Abby, I love you like a sister, you're a great nurse, caring, helpful, and smarter than the average one."

Chuny gave a, "Hey."

"I can't deal with this now, okay, I have to... do something."

"Doctor Weaver..."

Kerry made two fists and whirled to face Frank, "You're a homophobe, you're a bigot, and for the love of Mike, you're not even a good desk clerk. So, unless the building is burning down, I am going to go somewhere and be alone. Wait until this day starts again..."

She stormed off, muttering, "I always have to be the boss, I have to be the bitch, I have to be this, I have to be that..." She took off her stethoscope and hurled it at a wall, "Screw it." She ripped off her coat and flung it against the window of the ambulance bay doors. "Screw it all."

She plowed through the doors and into the ambulance bay. Someone tried to get her attention, but she ignored them, her final destination was Doc Magoos. She entered and sat down at the bar, "Pretend I'm five, give me something with lots of fat, lots of grease, and perhaps something that could kill me before I walk out of here... then give me the biggest chocolate shake you've ever seen, and finish me off with some sort of pie, a whole pie, the... whole... damn... thing."

The guy behind the counter frowned as he started writing down her order, "You okay Doc? Usually you're restrained when you come in here... not too much, no fat, nothing that could be considered bad for you..."

Kerry snorted, "You mean nothing that tastes anything like real food. Well, let's just say I'm feeling invincible and just a bit immature this afternoon."

He looked over her shoulder, "Uh, isn't your ER kinda getting a bit full."

Kerry shrugged as the chocolate shake was put down in front of her, "There's always tomorrow... today, I play hooky... hmm..." A small smile came to her face, "That gives me an idea."

oOOOOo

Romano was working on one of the gun shot victims, and Kerry was pretty sure that it was still before he would fire Kim. She walked into the operating room and there were a chorus of heys. "You are not sterile Kerry, get out of my OR, now."

Kerry ignored him and walked over and stood right behind him. She tilted her head one way, and then the other, and then in one smooth movement reached down under his scrub pants and yanked as hard as she could. He jumped, loosing his surgical instruments inside the patient he was working on. "Shit Kerry..." He groaned.

Kerry made a hmm noise, "Boxer man, I thought that you would have been briefs..." and walked out of the OR without a care in the world.


	3. Chapter 3

Kerry was giving it her best shot, again, to get Romano to see reason. Now that she knew that she was time looping she had managed to avoid Kim in the beginning of the day. Still, as fun as it had been to screw with Romano's head, she had to figure out what event it was that she had to change, what she had to do to get out of May 17th 2001. Talking hadn't worked the first time, maybe violence would. "We're all overworked Robert, but you can't insinuate that you're going to fire someone every time you get frustrated."

Romano was in pure surgeon mode, cocky as hell and ready to go toe to toe with anyone, even Kerry Weaver. "I wasn't insinuating, she's fired."

"Robert."

"Cleaning out her locker right now so I'm told."

"Robert, you can't do that." 

Romano sing song-ed the next three words, pleased with himself, "I just did." The elevator dinged and opened up onto the ER.

"Robert, this is a county facility employees cannot be summarily fired."

They walked through the ER, and Kerry was pretty sure that Romano was going fast just to try and loose her in the crush of patients, doctors, PAs, and Nurses. "Well Doctor Legaspi was already on probation for that other matter."

Kerry was boiling, "Yeah, and she was exonerated."

To his credit, Romano slowed down as they got near the admit desk, "And since then she's had a history of violation of institutional policy."

Kerry couldn't believe it, she was saying all the same things, he was saying all the same things. It pissed her off. "Like what?"

"What do you care, it's not your department."

"I deal with that department and she's a good doctor. Robert..."

Romano had more up his sleeve, "A good doctor who has had more than thirty delinquent charts awaiting discharge summaries."

Kerry rolled her eyes, "And so does half the staff."

He had even more, "She used the county telephone watch line for a personal long distance call."

"Oh, you've got to be kidding me."

They stopped at the end of the desk, "Ah, she yelled at a patient in a public setting."

"You're trying to find a way to fire her." Kerry leaned hip against the desk. She would need something to hold her up for what she was going to do next. "There's plenty of written documentation..."

"No, Robert, you're a petty tyrant with a short man's issues who sees a woman he can never have, a bright young talent where you're over the hill. You see a blonde that won't fall into your bed or under you spell and if you can't have her, neither can the hospital. It's despicable, and it's not the way any administrator should ever act."

Kerry managed to hit him right in the nose, she could feel the bones under her left fist, the blood spurted out and he swore in a language she didn't know. "You deserve more you bastard, but..."

Haleh came rushing up to them. "Doctor Weaver."

"Give him a minute."

"It's Adele, she's been shot." Both Kerry and the bleeding Romano focused on Haleh. "Adele Newman, that maniac shot her at her house."

Romano was still catching up, whereas Kerry had already been through Adele being shot twice. "The social worker?"

oOOOOo

Kerry caught Kim before she went into the psych ward. "Who is she?"

"Who Kerry?"

"Lori, the woman in your apartment."

Kim shook her head, "No one Kerry, I have to clean out my locker, finish off my patients."

Kerry put a hand on Kim's chest and pushed her back against the wall, "Who. Is. She?"

"She's a cousin, she's staying at my place because hers is being fumigated. I have a big family. Let me go Kerry."

"You lied."

"You..." Kim shook her head and pushed Kerry back, "I'm not doing this, okay, we're not doing this. It's over, move on with your life Kerry. That's what I'm trying to do."

Kim went into the Psych ward and Kerry stood there for a second, a small smile came to her face, "The first good news since this infernal loop started. They weren't going out." She did a fist pump. "Yes." She bumped into Cleo. "Oh, sorry about that. Are you okay?"

Cleo shook her head, "How do you do it Kerry?"

Kerry thought for a moment, "Sometimes you care too much Cleo, and sometimes you care too little. You need to be... just be with them, try to find a balance between just the medicine and just the patient. You're very smart, and for the most part you have a good bedside manner, you just need to find your center of balance and you'll be fine. Hey... for a few years there I was a little too interested in the medicine as well. You can do it though. Trust me. If Doug Ross can be successful, you can too Doctor Finch."

Cleo stared at Kerry for a moment, "Thank you..."

Kerry shook her head, "You won't remember it..."


	4. Chapter 4

The song started and Kerry's head started bobbing back and forth. She as quite sure that she had snapped, after all, this was the fourth, fifth, maybe it was the sixth time she had done the same day over, she was loosing count. She'd have to be careful of that. She idly wondered if she made a mark on her body if it would stay that way, or if she too was reverting back to how she was at the beginning of the day. If she could kill herself. She was hesitant to try, it would be a bit of a kill joy if she was able to kill herself. Of course, she wouldn't be looping anymore either. The singing started and she sung along, her crutch tapping on the floor.

"My my, at waterloo napoleon did surrender  
Oh yeah, and I have met my destiny in quite a similar way  
The history book on the shelf  
Is always repeating itself..."

Kerry's eyes were closed as she and her crutch danced and sang around the doctor's lounge.

"Waterloo - I was defeated, you won the war  
Waterloo - promise to love you for ever more  
Waterloo - couldn't escape if I wanted to  
Waterloo - knowing my fate is to be with you  
Whoa, whoa, Waterloo - finally facing my waterloo."

Carter frowned, "Um... Doctor Weaver..."

She shushed him and went onto the second verse.

"My my, I tried to hold you back but you were stronger  
Oh yeah, and now it seems my only chance is giving up the fight  
And how could I ever refuse  
I feel like I win when I lose

Waterloo - I was defeated, you won the war  
Waterloo - promise to love you for ever more  
Waterloo - couldn't escape if I wanted to  
Waterloo - knowing my fate is to be with you

So how could I ever refuse  
I feel like I win when I lose

Waterloo - I was defeated, you won the war  
Waterloo - promise to love you for ever more  
Waterloo - couldn't escape if I wanted to  
Waterloo - knowing my fate is to be with you  
Waterloo - finally facing my waterloo."

The song faded away and Carter cleared his throat. Kerry turned, "Holy shit, that's it..."

Carter's frown was entrenched on his face, "Doctor Weaver, are you feeling okay."

"Other people. Of course." She let her crutch lean against the wall, gripped Carter's head in both her hands and planted a mind altering kiss on him for a good twenty seconds.

She took a step back from Carter, who was breathing a bit hard and shook her head, "Nothin' there... onto my next victim."

She whistled the melody to Waterloo as she bounced into the main part of the ER. She stopped Randi and grabbed her head one handed, bringing Randi's mouth down to her own level and not letting go until Randi tried to push her back. Kerry tilted her head to one side, "Sad to say, better than Carter's... You'd better take some lessons from Randi here John..."

She approached Mark, who sidestepped Kerry, unfortunately for Romano who was right behind him. Kerry didn't even blink as she grabbed Romano's cheeks and smooshed their lips together. It was Kerry who stopped this kiss when Romano tried to pull the red head closer. Kerry took a step back, "Good, but..." She shuddered, "I do have some taste..."

She went into the elevator, still whistling. Her staff frowning after her, "Should we... call someone, Psych?" Carter was worried, "She was dancing to Waterloo by ABBA in the Lounge."

Romano watched as the elevator doors closed and shook his head, "We have more important problems."

oOOOOo

"Hello Peter..."

She had to practically jump to reach Benton, for a half a second she had a pang, Kim was tall, but it passed and she sealed her lips to Benton's. He had been the one who struggled the most so far, which had surprised Kerry a little. She had never really seen herself as a very attractive woman, apparently she wasn't too horrible at all.

He pushed her back a little to hard and had to catch her before she fell to the ground. "What is going on with you Kerry? The hospital is saying that you've totally flipped..."

Kerry flung her arms to either side, "I'm never going to die, sure, I'm living the same damn day over and over, but I'm living freeee...." She spotted an anesthesiologist, Alexander Babcock she thought. She twirled him and without warning kissed him. 

She licked her lips when she and Alex parted, "Hmm... I have to say... that one..." She spotted Cleo, "Doctor Finch..."

Benton waved his hands, trying to get Cleo to peel off, to go the other way, Cleo didn't get it. "Doctor Weav..." The rest of her word was muffled as Kerry claimed Cleo's lips for a long few seconds. 

She finally let Cleo go and shook her head, she glanced over at Alex. "I don't know, Alex... there's... something about you... but... a good study needs enough subjects to gain significance, I'm up to the NICU, I hear their attending is a babe...."

oOOOOo

Kerry jumped as she came to a cold consciousness, "I... oh my..."

A throaty laugh came from next to her, "I get that a lot." 

Kerry blinked her eyes into focus, "Ah, Doctor Upton..."

Upton chuckled as she climbed off of the table, "Don't you think you should call me by my first name after..."

Kerry looked down at her body and quickly pulled up the... "Blanket?"

Upton shrugged and tossed Kerry her clothes. "You never know, and no, it has never touched a dead body."

"I... what happened, I don't quite... remember... Grey."

Doctor Grey Upton held her hands up, "You came onto me Kerry, came down here raving about no one would remember anything and it was quite a shame. You didn't seem drunk, and you... came on quite strong I must say. I didn't know you were gay Kerry."

Kerry took a deep breath, "I... I'm sorry, this was a bad idea."

"You're not..."

"No, I am... but... oh God..." Kerry put a hand to her head for a moment. The phone rang and Kerry nearly jumped off the table.

Upton held in a laugh as she answered the phone, "Morgue. Mmhmm... yes, I'll be here..." She turned to Kerry, "You may want to get out of here sooner rather than later, unless you want to share the table with someone recently deceased."

This spurred Kerry into action, "I'm sorry, I'm..."

Upton smiled, "We'll talk about this some time... over dinner..."

"I... I..." Kerry finally managed to button her pants and got out of there as fast as her crutch would take her.


	5. Chapter 5

Kerry sat in her office. She barely used it, and you could tell by looking at it. When she had first set foot in it she thought she was going to have an asthma attack, which was impressive, since she didn't have asthma.

As the phone rang she realized how ironic what she was doing was. Romano had used unauthorized calls as one of the trumped up charges to get Kim fired, or at least, that's what he had told Kerry. 

A male voice answered on the other end. "Jambo."

"Mlungisi..."

"Kerry, Habari?"

Kerry leaned back in her chair, "Not good friend. How about you? The kids?"

"They are all doing well, why have you called my Kerry, you sound... sad."

Kerry closed her eyes, "It's been a year. A whole year you know..."

Confusion colored Mlungisi's voice on the other end of the phone, "It has only been three months since we last talked Kerry."

Kerry picked up a pencil that had probably been on her desk since she had become the official Head of the Emergency Department. "I'm stuck in a time loop, for me, it's been a year of the same exact day. May 17th, 2001. It's like, I can't move on. I want to move on."

"What happened?"

She gave a bitter chuckle, "I ruined the best thing that ever happened to me. She loved me, didn't even blink at my crutch, on our first non-date she even asked why I had to use it. I responded with some snarky comment about how no one ever thought to ask. But I told her. She is The most perfect lesbian ever, she was the most perfect girlfriend ever, until I screwed it all to hell and back."

"Go on..."

Kerry rubbed at the bridge of her nose, "I stick up for people, patients, other doctor's, nurses, how many... and yet, the one person, when it came down to someone that I HAD to stick up for, needed to, I let her get bashed against the siding in a hurricane. She was there for me, so many times, and then... she wanted me to come out, and I just... I couldn't see that if I stuck up for her it wouldn't mean that I was telling the world I was gay, it would be telling the world I was human."

There was silence across the Atlantic for a moment, "Do you love this woman Kerry?"

"With every ounce of my being. She's my angel. Smart, funny, and the sex..." Mlungisi cleared his throat and this coaxed a small laugh from Kerry. "Sorry... but... aren't you. We've been talking all this time about a woman, aren't you..."

"Horrified, my friend, why would I be. I have only ever wanted you to be happy. You let me go when I met Asha. If you are happy with a woman, who am I to judge." Mlungisi paused, "There are two words I have found work very well. I'm sorry."

Kerry let her hand drop to her desk, "I tried. It didn't work."

Silence, "Then there are two things at work, either she does not love you as you love her." Kerry groaned as though her soul was being cut in two, "Or you did not really mean your apology. You have to be sorry, and this woman will be able to tell when you truely are."

"Thank you Mlungisi, I don't know what I'd do without you..."

Mlungisi chuckled, "Most likely be a nun with no sex life at all my friend."

Kerry smiled, "I love you."

"I love you too Kerry. Make sure you stay in touch."

"I will." She hung up the phone and closed her eyes. "I have to mean it... I thought I did mean it." She ran a hand through her hair and stared up at the roof. "Whatever diety is doing this to me, fate, God, Satan, I'm not amused. When I die, meet my maker, I'm going to kick your ass."


	6. Chapter 6

"Uh, Kerry, what are you doing?"

Kerry glanced over at Benton and blinked, "What?"

"It's your birthday?"

"Nope."

Benton looked around the doctor's lounge, "It says Happy Birthday."

Kerry bit back as Benton had expected her to much earlier, "Of course it does, I've been in this damn... I'm Myron Castleman. I'm two years older today, and yet tomorrow, you won't remember that, neither will Kim, or Abby, or Randi, or... or anyone."

Kerry took a deep breath and blew out the candles. "Go back to work Benton, no worries right?"

Benton nodded, "I know that you and I..."

Kerry shook her head, "Peter... you're a good man, a good father, a good doctor and a great surgeon, you've been there for me many times when I needed it, and we've been through so much together. Thank you."

"Kerry..." Her little speech about how she felt about him didn't really ally his fears.

Kerry shook her head, "Even if I explained this, you either wouldn't believe me and think I've flipped or..." Kerry shook her head, "Just please, leave me alone.

He backed out of the doctor's lounge. He spotted Kim at the admit desk. "Doctor Legaspi."

He paused as Romano reamed Kim a new one, "When I call you, you'll come."

Benton rolled his eyes, "Shut up Romano." He switched his view to Kim, "There's something wrong with Kerry."

Kim shrugged, "That's her problem, not mine. I'm not her keeper."

Benton gripped Kim's shoulder and she looked up with a raised eyebrow, "I've known her longer than you have. She's often pissed, often it seems like she PMSes twelve months a year. She's a bitch, she's a terror, generally I want to kill her not like her, but she's never despondent. You're a Psychiatrist, get your ass in there and make it better woman, whatever you did to her, kill her pet, break up with her, sleep with her, fix it."

Kim was struck silent, "Why would you say that?"

Benton rubbed his nose, "She thinks she's always in control of her emotions, her face, she's not."

Kim stared at the surgeon for a long moment and then shook my head. "Despondent huh?" She logged off the computer and left the desk. She entered the doctor's lounge slowly and quietly. Indeed Kerry was sitting at the main table in the room, a large cake in front of her. The candles looked burned, and there was a hole in the cake. "Care to share?"

Kerry didn't look up, "I'm trying to move on Doctor Legaspi, believe me, I've tried kissing you, sleeping with you, for a month there I slept with you every day, actually, it got old. Then I just gave up for three months or so. One day I went to California, another to New York, Massachusetts, I sat so close to the Cubs players at Wrigley that I could see them sweating. I went two days in a row, both days they lost 4-2, the exact same game." Kerry shook her head.

"You should bet on it."

Kerry frowned, "Kim, I'm in Lupoff hell." Kim stared at Kerry, "Groundhog Day, a movie I... used to like a bit."

"Ah..."

"Lupoff did it first, so did J.G. Ballard. Kyle Farnsworth is the one who screwed us, giving up the homer to Hidalgo." Kerry shook her head again, she still hadn't moved or turned to face Kim. "I am trying to move on, but it's not working..."

Kim walked over and stopped next to Kerry, she stepped over Kerry's legs, one of her long legs on either side and sat on the table. "Uh, Kim..." Kerry finally met Kim's eyes, "You just sat in my cake."

"Well, if what you're saying is true, you'll have another one tomorrow."

Kerry looked back down at her hands. "It wasn't sentiment. You have to understand Kim, it's not even the... gay thing." She shook her head, "Believe me, I'm over my internal homophobia about that. I've kissed everyone from Doctor Upton to Robert Romano."

"Doctor Upton is gay?"

"I am..."

"Kerry...."

Kerry put a hand up, "No, please, tell me what I need to do..."

Kim leaned down and a flutter of happiness went through her as she saw Kerry swallow. "Well, leather'll do it, leather pants, leather boots, maybe a skimpy leather vest, with some... suitable for work shirt underneath it of course..."

Kerry met Kim's eyes and swallowed again, "Of course..." Kerry scrunched her eyes closed and took a deep breath. She pushed away from the table and stood, fumbling to get her crutch. "No... no damnit. Everything's a joke to you."

Silence fell.

"Woo me, and woo me, and by woo me I don't mean have sex with me. Take me to the game, but it has to be public. Groundhog Day, he had one day to get it right with uh... McDowell. So ask me out when you first see me..."

Kerry shook her head, "I can't. As much as Greene... I have to be here to help."

"So, for tomorrow..."

"There is no tomorrow."

Kim tilted her head to one side, "Maybe that's your problem, you said that you'd gone to Cali, to Boston, but you did it during today, plan something for tomorrow with me. Don't let me say no..."

Kerry blinked and stared past Kim, "...and get my head out of my ass and defend you like I should have before."

A small smile came to Kerry's face, "Need some help getting those... cake soiled pants off?"


	7. Chapter 7

Kim was helping the woman who wanted a smoke. Kerry resisted the urge to tell the woman that she should stop smoking and followed Kim to the desk. "Kim."

"Doctor Weaver." Kim did a double take. Not only was Kerry wearing some mightily uncomfortable looking leather boots, but leather pants and a very holey leather vest with what Kim could have sworn was a bright blue shirt on underneath it.

Kerry managed to hide her smile, the 'day before' had cleared Kerry's mind. She'd have to send Benton some chocolate. Nothing was going to bring her down from her natural high. This would be the day, well... tomorrow would be the day, and even Kim's icy reception wouldn't touch the warmth that was in her heart. Of course, it could have been what she and Kim had done the 'previous day'. She was glad that Dave wouldn't remember what he had walked in on, and she would have to remember to bake a cake once she and Kim were back together.

"I have two tickets for tomorrow's Cubs game. It's against the Diamondbacks Randy Johnson's starting, come with me."

"No Kerry."

Frank spoke from behind Kerry, "Doctor Legaspi, Doctor Romano line three for you."

Kerry could almost see Kim's mind preparing the brush off for her as the blonde psychiatrist spoke to Frank, "Tell him I'll call him back." Kim looked back down, but couldn't quite meet Kerry's eyes, "Anyway, I read your letter, I appreciate the sentiment..."

Kerry chuckled, "Sentiment."

Frank spoke above Kerry's voice, "He says for you to get your ass on the line now he needs to talk to you about a transfer."

Kerry turned to her side, "Frank, she's busy, he should be too, we could have as many as eight GSW's going up."

Chuny spoke up, "Nine, carjack victim."

"Okay, we're swamped with this, tell them to divert to Mercy."

"Mercy said no ETA's under ten."

Kerry's jaw worked, "Why do they bother calling?" 

She took a breath and calmed her breathing as Kim spoke again, "Um, anyway, thank you, um, but I don't think that anything's..." Kim seemed to take a resigned breath, "...changed."

The moment seemed to stretch for Kerry. She still vividly remembered the first time she had heard those words, how they had cut to her soul, how, if she was being truthful with herself she had known right then, at least in her heart, that she was gay, that she wanted the woman standing in front of her, rejecting her. And not just as a friend, but as a lover, as a partner, as hers.

Kerry shook her head, "No, Kim, everything's changed. Screw the letter. It doesn't say what I meant it to mean. I love you, not as a friend, not as a co-worker. I want to go to the Cubs game with you, probably watch them lose horribly like they've done for the last seven games, belt out 'Take Me Out to the Ball Game' during the seventh inning stretch, and then go home talking about the crazy insane drunk people at the game, have an amazing dinner and then make..."

Kim reached over the desk and put a hand over Kerry's mouth. The red head stayed perfectly still like she was making sure she didn't provoke a wild bear. "What are you doing Kerry?"

Kerry raised an eyebrow and looked down cross eyed at Kim's hand. The blonde let her hand drop. "I won't take no for an answer, just as a warning."

Kim took a step back from the desk, "Okay, I should get back."

"Yeah..." A smile came to Kerry's face.

"You're going to hell."

Kerry shook her head, "Oh, shut up Frank."

Chuny chuckled, "Doctor Weaver, she'll crack, the whole hand to mouth..."

Kerry turned, "You think?"

Chuny wiggled her eyebrows, "I'm a nurse, don't I know everything."

Kerry smiled again, "You make a good point. So, nine GSWs... God."

oOOOOo

Kerry crutched her way to the admit desk giving Mark an update. This was the hard one, she knew what happened when she said nothing, was a wuss and a coward, she had no idea what would happen when she said something. Maybe Romano would just say, 'okay, now I can fire two lesbos at once', 'here's your hat, get the hell out of my hospital'. She shook her head as it started.

"Psych nurses aren't trained to handle ostomy care."

Romano wasn't really even paying attention to Kim, "Doesn't need ostomy care, he can change his own damn bag." 

Kerry watched them from the back, she had tried intervening before, but never along with what she had done earlier. She put down her chart and walked over to the window to an exam room, "Robert we need you, two more GSWs rollin' up."

"In a minute." He finally looked over at her, "And when I call you, you get on the damn phone."

The dog leavings were about to hit the round rotating object, "She was helping with a mass casualty, we needed her down here. You want to wave your... power around here, do it with me, fire me Robert."

By then both Romano and Kim were staring at her with almost identical looks on their faces, as if she was the evil incarnate. She could practically see the scrolling text in Kim's brain, 'Shut up Kerry, shut up Kerry, shut up Kerry. I can handle it'. 

"I needed to clear recovery for the barrage of gunshot wounds you keep accepting."

Kim jumped back in, "I'm not taking responsibility for post op complications in the Psych ward."

Kerry maneuvered her way between the two. If she imagined hard enough she could almost see the laser looks that they were giving each other. She turned her back to Kim and pushed Romano away from the computer, "Do not say what you are about to say. It feels good now, but you say it I will reign fire via the best lawyers in Chicago down on you from your ass to your precious hands." She pushed him in the chest again, "I will own this hospital, and you." They were at the same eye level and she stared into his without blinking or flinching. "Do you believe me... Rocket?"

His jaw worked, and worked. An ambulance screamed up to the bay doors and he finally blinked, "Fine... you two go fuck yourselves silly, I'll go get DeRaad to fire her ass." 

Romano stormed off and Kerry suddenly felt weak in the knees. She gripped the counter and closed her eyes for a second, "People say they see their lives flashing in front of their eyes when they die, my career just flashed before me..."

She turned. Kim looked as if she had taken a blow to the gut. She had one hand holding the counter in a death grip, while her thumb and forefinger were pressed against her zyphoid process. It was as if she was trying to hold in her heart. "Kerry..."

Kerry shook her head, "Not now, later... when the world's not ending." She walked towards the ambulance bay, leaving a stunned Kim still standing at the admit desk.

Kim turned around in a circle, and met the gaze of Mark Greene, "What... what just happened?"

Mark squinted, "I believe that Kerry just came out to the Chief of Staff of this hospital, as she seems to have been doing all day." Mark shrugged, "Romano's a... turd... and Carl is a fair guy. I think you're safe. Carl's the one Romano should have taken it up with in the first place anyway."

Kim was still stunned as Mark gave her a pat on the shoulder and moved on, "Uh, right..."

oOOOOo

Kerry knocked on the Psychiatric Ward door. It beeped and was buzzed open. Kim met Kerry and guided her into a room, closing the door behind them. "I'm surprised my code still works."

Kerry frowned, "Did Carl fire you?"

"Not yet." Kerry put a hand on Kim's arm. The blonde looked down, waiting for Kerry to remove it. When she didn't Kim had to look back up into Kerry's eyes. "I'm really not interested in working for a place that doesn't want me here."

"I want you here."

Kim removed Kerry's hand from her arm, "No, Kerry, you want a friend, you want sex, you don't want me."

Kerry took a step back, and leaned heavily on her crutch, "You think this is about you, about your issues. I wore a damn leather vest that you could use as a climbing net for you, I wore pants that some poor cow really wants back, and I won't go into the boots, although..." Kerry made a pained face, "I think I may loose a toe before today is over."

A small smile came to Kim's face for a half a second before the mask slammed back into place, "No... these... shows are all well and good..."

"You self centered..." Kerry was pissed, she could feel the day slipping away, she didn't want to flip again, to loop again. "You think this is all about you. Maybe I'm not the only one in this room with issues, did you ever think about this, maybe my cowardice and... and..."

"...yellowed bellied-ness."

"Maybe it was a nice excuse for you. How long was your longest relationship?"

Kim shook her head, "We're not doing this." 

Kim walked towards the door and had her hand on the doorknob when Kerry spoke in a quiet voice, "I didn't do anything today just for you. I mean... I love you Kim, more than I've ever loved anyone, but I didn't do it for you, I did it for me. I should have stood up for you in that farce of a hearing with Romano. I did for Jeanie, I have for so many other people who work under me, who work with me." Kerry stared down at the floor. There were only two other words she would say, the rest would be up to Kim. "I'm sorry."

Kim slowly turned the door handle and left the room. Kerry let out a stuttering breath and closed her eyes.

oOOOOo

"Hey-hey Doctor Weaver..." 

Kerry closed her eyes and braced herself as she turned, "Randi..."

Randi smiled, "I know, you're not good with the whole... being human thing."

"Randi..." There was a threatening note to her voice.

Randi held her hands up, "A small joke, a small joke. But, my point." Randi popped her gum, "Good to know that you're out. Couldn't have been easy..."

Kerry looked down at her watch and did a double take, "Shit, it's tomorrow..."

"That's generally how it works?"

Kerry shook her head, "No, I mean... it's a snow covered wonderland in Punxsutawney Pennsylvania."

Randi frowned, "Are you feeling alright Doctor Weaver?"

Kerry smiled a full face smile, "I am better than okay Randi. As for it being easy... it only took me a day..."

A voice came from behind Kerry, "What if I don't want to fight?"

Kerry turned, "Then I will. They will not fire anyone at my hospital for being gay."

A male voice came from behind the board, "I second that." Both women looked up to find Benton walking towards them. "You're a good psychiatrist, and pretty much the only competent Chief of the ER who wasn't Doctor Morgenstern, they fire you two, I add myself to the mix."

Randi nodded, "Me too..."

Chuny smirked, "I wouldn't mind a couple of weeks off, million dollar payday."

Haleh laughed, "I think most of the ER would be behind you Doctor Weaver, if you have to fight."

"Not me."

Randi rolled her eyes, "Except Frank."

Kim pursed her lips and tilted her head to one side, "You have quite the staff down here."

"I know..." She raked a gaze over all of them, "Now get back to work."

Laughter tittered through the ER staff as they all went their separate ways.

"Doctor Weaver, you have a message from Doctor Upton."

"Grey."

Randi nodded, and handed Kerry the pink slip, "Said that she was always open. I guess... the morgue is..."

Kerry nearly dropped her crutch, which was impressive, since it was held in place around her arm pretty securely. "Did she... did she say anything else?"

Randi shook her head, "Sounded amused."

Kerry started to speak again, but Kim spoke up again, "Is your offer still open?"

Kerry nodded, "It is... it's a 2 o'clock game. But we can meet at my place."

Kim stood there, "Your place? I don't think I've ever been there..."

"You haven't."

Kim crossed her arms over her chest, "I haven't decided yet Ker..."

Kerry smiled, "Guess the dinner will have to be amazing."

Kim looked at Kerry and then shook her head with a half a smile, "I guess it will..."


End file.
